【HP/FB 双语】GGAD通信集——三十五只猫头鹰(22)

I cannot tell him. How could I He must realize it himself—

我做不到告诉他。我怎么办得到呢？他必须靠自己意识到这一切——

He is a good boy, Gellert. He is tough and brave and mostly clever, and he deserves better. He deserves to grow up and grow old and fall in love and herd about children and write crochety letters. He deserves to bury Voldemort and move on to his own life, free of fates and scars and nonsense, and I would give my life to make it so, but I cannot, not ever, because that is not how things are.

他是个好孩子，盖勒特。他坚韧、勇敢，又很聪明，他值得更好的未来。他本该像一个普通人一样恣意成长、沉淀成熟，再坠入爱河，娶妻生子，时而提笔写信同亲人友人道些家常。他本该结果伏地魔，步入自己人生的正轨。他本不应被命运纠缠，不用疤痕满身，不会为闲言所困。若能实现这些，我宁可以生命为代价，但我做不到，也永远不能了，因为这一切已成定局。

I feared you, when I realized the extent of your plans, the terror of your rule, the Muggle-torture. When you fled from Ariana's body like amon cut-throat. And I was angry, yes, of course. So very angry. But I never hated you. I never wished upon you the worst thing in the world. And hence you wake and sleep and eat and breathe, and do not burn in the everlasting furnace of phoenix fire into which I would cast Voldemort—no, Tom Riddle, that is his name, the rest is affectation—into which I would cast the man who bound Harry to his fate, I hate him so, I hate him to the marrow of my bones—

当我意识到你在计划什么，意识到你可怖的统治，以及对麻瓜的折磨时，我怕过你。你像凶手一样从安娜的尸体旁逃走时，我气极了。是的，当然，非常生气。但我从未恨过你，我从未期望过任何不幸降临在你身上。因此，无论你是入睡还是醒来，每一次进食、呼吸时，我都未曾想要把你投入永燃凤凰之火的炼狱中。这是那个我想把伏地魔——不，是汤姆·里德尔，这是他的本名，其余都是在装模作样——那个强行把哈利命运与他绑在一起的人扔进去的地方。我恨他如此，恨之入骨——

You do not cling to life like a canker. That is remorse enough for me, no matter what you may think. And for a Dark wizard, you have a surprisingly healthy relationship with death—

你并非是贪生怕死之人。光是这一点就足以令我感到愧疚，这无关乎你怎么看。作为一位黑巫师，你看待死亡的方式竟然出奇地健康——

Listen to me. I am sorry. I write to you in despair and burden you with an old man's insoluble worries, after we both said there was nothing left between us but bitterness. But, Gellert. I send him to his death. For the greater good.

听着。我很抱歉。我在绝望之中写下这封信，但也只能给你带去一个老人无解的烦恼。我们都曾说过我们二人之间除了那些不愉快，已经再不剩什么了。可是，盖勒特。我把他亲手交给了死亡，就为了那所谓的更伟大的利益。

You claim Nurmengard and I will not break you. And perhaps they have not. But, Gellert, Tom and Harry have broken me. You're stronger than me in the end, I suppose.

你曾断言，无论是我，还是纽蒙迦德的高塔，都无法摧毁你，而或许是这两者都未曾如此做过。但，盖勒特，汤姆和哈利已经先将我击溃了。我想，在这场我们的较量中，是你笑到了最后。

Oh, but there is a chance! a faint glimmer of a chance that he might just survive. That Harry might live—damaged, no doubt, shell-shocked as the Muggles would say, but alive.

哦，但这儿仍存一丝生机！他能活下来的一点，渺茫的希望。哈利会活着——但会被摧残地满目疮痍，这点毫无疑问。用麻瓜们的话来说，他会患上战争疲劳综合征，但他仍然活着。

But sometimes hope is more painful than surrender.

但有时垂死挣扎是会比放弃要更痛苦。

Ignore me. Laugh at me. I send an innocent boy to war and torture and death, because I must do what is necessary, because I must not apologize for what is necessary. Look over your door, Gellert—I still live by those bloody, cursed words—

你尽情无视我吧，嘲笑我吧。我把这么一个无辜的孩子送上战场，推向苦难，要他面对死亡。你嘲笑我吧，因为我不得不这么做，因为我无法为这些事道歉。看看你的门背后吧，盖勒特——我仍旧活在这些血腥的、可恨的言语的枷锁下——

Only you could possibly appreciate what this means. The full irony of it. Only you, old friend, after everything we've done and all this time we've spent hurting each other.

大概只有你能理解我了。多么讽刺啊。只有你，我的老朋友，在历经过我们所做的一切和对彼此的伤害之后。

I never knew the way. For all that I am a sanctimonious old bastard, I never knew the way. I only tried to help, to do what I thought would be right, would be sessful. And this is where it ends, sending a child to die—everything I touch, everyone I love, turning to dust—I admit what I am, Gellert, I am a monster—

我一直不知道该怎么办。我就是个道貌岸然彻头彻尾的老混蛋，我从来都不明白该怎么做。我只是试着去帮忙，试着去做我认为正确的、会成功的事情。而最后我所做的，却是将一个孩子推向死亡——我触及之物，所爱之人，皆作尘烬——我看清了我自己，盖勒特，我是个怪物——

I—must stop this. I'm sorry.

我——写不下去了。抱歉。

P.S. for both of us